self-expression is my journey and my destination. through self-expression, i get to know what is vibrating inside of me, i get a better awareness of who i am, i get to love myself more and ultimately i cultivate this need to stand for myself. to exist. to leave a mark. to change the world. to express myself no matter what.
i started a therapy when i was nineteen. i was in a pretty bad place at the time. i had stopped talking and eating for a while. i couldn’t find any other ways to express what i was going through and call for help than silence and anorexia. during the first session, the psychologist silently looked at me and finally asked: « is that love that hurt so much? ». i stared back at her for a long time and started talking again. just like that. yes, it is love that hurt so much. it is always love.
my psychologist taught me how to talk: how to analyze my feelings and express them.
seven years later, i was working in fashion in Paris. i had a great job, a great team, a great salary, a lot of friends and very proud parents. on the outside, i had a great life. on the inside though, i felt completely empty and stuck in my head. the day after my 26th birthday, i quit my job. i bought a plane ticket to india and left for two months.
my first week in india was really tough. i was constantly asking myself what i was doing there and why i had done that to myself. i tried to find ways out and a yoga teacher unexpectedly gave me one. she listened to my story and said quietly: « you’re not your anxiety, camille. » i stayed silent and she continued: « you’re not your emotions, you’re not your body, you’re not your thoughts. » i didn’t understand what it meant but i immediately knew deep down that it was true. she also added: « take one day after another, and remember that at any time you can go back home. » this, i understood. from there, i freed myself: i traveled across India, practiced yoga everyday, met amazing people and met myself. i looked for this new truth everywhere: i am not my emotions, i am not my body, i am not my thoughts. then, who am i? i started writing and created a blog to share what i was living. and for the first time since a long time, through my travel and my writings, i felt that i was existing again.
when i got back to paris, i worked just enough to earn the money i needed to live and used all the time that i had left to keep digging in myself. I practiced yoga and studied yoga philosophy. Through my yoga practice I met my consciousness. I am not my emotions, I am not my body, I am not my thoughts, I am the consciousness who is witnessing my emotions, my body and my thoughts. I journaled everyday for hours. Through my journaling practice I made the connexion between my therapy work, the version of myself I had just released in India and yoga philosophy. I got a better awareness of who I was and of what was making me happy. I understood that happiness is this magic feeling that brings you home to yourself.
I kept writing and at some point I ended working as a writer for a famous French website. I enjoyed being paid for my creativity and the recognition for a while and then, I felt it again. The call to step forward. I quit my job once more, sold everything that I had in Paris, and moved to Bali.
I arrived in Bali as I arrived in India five years earlier. Not knowing what I was doing there but deeply convinced that I had something to find. I followed a first yoga teacher training. I learned how to teach and understood that transmission was part of my path. I learned how to love and what unconditional love means. Over the following months I started working on myself in a completely different way. I started drawing mandalas and expressing myself without using any words. It was not about understanding anymore but about acceptance and trust. And right there, I met my spirituality: this magic strength inside of me which teaches me everyday that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I followed a second yoga teacher training. I learned how to move my body from inside, how to free myself from external validation and how to be myself unconditionally. I felt that this was exactly what I had to find in Bali and that I was ready. I left Bali and moved to Tel Aviv.
Here I am today. Sharing my path with you, all that I stand for, all that I have always done: finding ways to express myself in order to understand myself more and love myself better.
Home is in yourself. Remember that at any time you can go back home.
With all my love, as always.